Snow Lobotomies: Why Can't Western Washington Drive in Snow?

Today I've skipped my typical rants about politics, not because it's a slow news day, but because somebody has to say something about the tragedy that is Western Washington driving in snow.

On my way home from my brothers house in Kenmore today I made the decision to use the major arterials because snow was falling and I figured that the increased traffic would keep the roads bare and wet. And mostly I was not wrong, except for two small details. First, and foremost, Western Washington drivers apparently get a frontal lobotomy when any amount of snow falls. Secondly, I figured that there would not be any stretches of snowy road.

After easily navigating most of Ballinger Way N., I hit a standstill at the I-5 interchange. We inched our way along, even though the pavement was bare. At least we were moving and if you forgive the one douche who was driving in between two lanes (pissing off drivers in both lanes behind him) things were not going horribly. Then I turned north onto Meridian as it runs along the West side of Lake Ballinger. Anyone who lives in an urban environment knows the feeling- you turn onto a reliably uncongested surface street to find it backed up as far as the eye can see because of a single accident. No way around, no way to turn around-you're completely screwed.

There they were, just standing outside their cars in the freezing cold like lemmings, blinking in a befuddled stupor and wondering what the hell this white stuff was doing to their cars. I felt a tinge of pity for them (quickly replaced by white hot rage one usually reserves for politicians and christian conservatives) because even though they see snow on their streets every fucking year, they still have no clue as to how they are going to navigate in it. Mind you, these are the same simpletons who can't negotiate a four way stop or merge onto a freeway without balling it up for the rest of us. As George Carlin once said, we should "put these low grade morons in portable toilets and set them on fire." Honestly, they can dick around with their iPod, change lanes, text their friends and sip a $4 latte while driving but they can't remember that in the winter they need to replace their bald tires and put weight in the back of their truck? Fucktards!

But I digress. The lead idiot had, thankfully, pulled his car off to the side of the road. The other dip shits were utterly helpless, like W. reading to school children when the towers were burning. Finally, after much timidness, the lead car not involved in the accident decides to chance it around the pile up and heads up the hill with no problems. Then the second, third and fourth cars. Then it comes to the dill weed in front of me. His Toyota light pick up, circa 1985, had no discernable tread and zero weight in the bed and did not instill me with any measure of confidence. Even so he made his play. One quarter of the way up the hill his tires start to slide, so he does what any monkey who has managed to escape Darwinism does-he guns the gas. Now his tires begin to spin wildly searching for any bit of traction. The rear wheel drive pulls his woeful vehicle into a rear end slide which presumably induces panic because he rashly gives it all it's got. Nearly sideways with tires spinning and engine whining he makes his ascent of the hill at about 1 mph (I'm being kind here.) The hill covers about 2 city blocks so it takes about 90 seconds. Once to the top of the hill he straightens out, pushes that turtling Christmas pooh back into his rectum and continues on at about 5 mph, even though the pavement has become bare and wet. Our procession follows him for another 15 blocks before I cut through a grocery store parking lot to rid myself of his incompetence-who knows it may be catchy.

Two blocks later another pickup decides to pull out in front of me, and then immediately slows down from my moderate 25 mph to a mind numbing 5 mph, rear end sliding because it is not weighted. Needless to say we miss the next light and I have to suffer another twenty blocks behind some shit-for-brains whose only redeeming quality is that he has mastered breathing.

And it's only December...

Thou Shall Not Steal: Christians Break Commandment.

Many people saw the humor of the Freedom From Religion Foundation's (FFRF) sign placed next to a nativity scene at the Washington State Capitol in Olympia. Presumably, one Christian was not amused and then ironically broke the lords 8th commandment - Thou Shall Not Steal - by taking it to a conservative Seattle radio show hosts office. Is there anything sacred for American Christians any more?

The AP called the sign "anti-christian" in an article picked up by Fox News, which implies that the editors in Rupertland have a poor grasp of the English language (atheists cannot be against Christianity precisely because they don't believe in Christianity.) Moreover, Dan Barker of the FFRF only wanted "equal time, not to muscle, not to coerce, but just to have a place at the table." That kind of language doesn't sound very "anti-christian" at all. But should I really be surprised at inflammatory language coming from Fox?

One thing becomes more clear each day; we are living in an upside down world where non-believers follow God's law more closely than Christians. In the end I appreciate those home schooled, backward-assed, simple minded pricks showing their true nature - that they are intellectually lazy, hate filled douche bags.

Oh, and the best line on the FFRF's sign: "Reasons Greetings."

"Judicial Activism": Letting Gays Adopt.

Is anybody else sick of hearing the religious right scream about "judicial activism" every time they lose a legal battle over social issues? What the fuck do they mean, anyway? I took civics about 19 years ago where I learned that a Federal judge has only one function- to rule on whether a law is constitutional or not. Sounds simple, right? It is unless you are so weak minded that you will believe Adam lived with dinosaurs and that the world is only a few thousand years old.

The latest case against "Judicial Activism" is coming from the State of Florida, bitching about a ruling by Circuit-court Judge Cindy Lederman which struck down a state law that prohibits gay couples from adopting. In a 53-page ruling she said: "It is clear that sexual orientation is not a predictor of a person's ability to parent," and "A child in need of love, safety and stability does not first consider the sexual orientation of his parent. The exclusion causes some children to be deprived of a permanent placement with a family that is best suited to their needs."

Of course Christian Conservatives have "experts" who testified that there is "a supposed dark cloud hovering over homes of homosexuals and their children." Is this what passes for science in Florida? What kind of nonsense is a "dark cloud"? I'll tell you what it is, it's called pollution.

On the other side there is considerable scientific weight, with organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics, American Medical Association and American Psychiatric Association which all support permitting same-sex couples to adopt. How can anyone compare peer reviewed organizations like these with nut jobs who believe homosexuals can, or want to, be cured? The answer is that you can't, which is why the right turns to slick sound bites and fear mongering. If you can't win 'em, spin 'em. Douches.

And where the hell is responsible reporting in this country? This isn't "judicial activism", it's a fair interpretation of a stupid law that doesn't past muster with our constitution. I don't see judges making the t.v. new circuits or sending out mailers- that would be activism. Journalists, reporters and columnists should be taking these right wing nuts to task instead of echoing their crazy, half baked sound bites.

The constitution guarantees rights for all Americans whether they be straight, gay, female, black, brown or anything else. Judges who fairly interpret the constitution should be praised as protectors of our democracy, not lumped in with real activists like Christian Conservatives, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Mormons.

Business Plans for Dummies: Um, can I have my money now?

I’ve got a dog eared copy of “Business Plans for Dummies” that Senator Reid (D-NV) could give to Rick Wagoner, although I have a feeling that he already knows what to do with the bail out money. Yes, economic troubles now have members of congress demanding that the Big 3 Automakers write a business plan before they get their next bailout fix. Presumably it will go somewhat like this:

Mission Statement: To get our greedy hands on $25 billion in Federal Funds in order to pad executive wallets, gild parachutes and book lavish corporate retreats. Any remaining funds will be used to hire more lawyers to destroy our mortal enemy (no, not Toyota), the UAW.

Marketing: While we use our corporate shills to tell the American people that the country will catch on fire if automakers ever fail, we’ll double the amount of car ads in each television commercial segment. Advertisements will focus on telling that fat-ass, “Joe Six Pack,” that fuel efficiency is for pussies and that a supermodel might play with his penis if he buys a truck with a “hemi.” Women will be told that only eunuchs drive foreign cars.

Competition: The strategy is to get the money early before any other “too big to fail” industries come sniffing around our bailout. We’ll have our corporate shills tell those fat asses out in T.V. land that the “invisible hand of the free market” will pick the winners and losers for every industry but ours.

Operations: Why spend money that could go to other uses (lobbying, executive pay, etc.) on retooling plants or R&D? In business we say “don’t throw good money after bad.” Wait, that sounds hypocritical…aw fuck it, no one in congress will read this, they just listen to our lobbyist.

Exit Strategy: Like locusts in a field, we’ll ride this gravy train until every dollar has been tapped. We’ll then jump ship with our golden parachutes looking for the next industry to rape and pillage. I’ve got my eyes on you, Boeing!

Summary: This plan, while remarkably similar to every other business plan we’ve put out in the last 25 years, differs in that this one is for $25 billion. Suck it, congress!

Polysphincter in Chief: W Ducks Responsibility Once Again

It was all smiles during the first post-election meeting between President Bush and President-elect Obama- and why not? Bush can act as if he is presiding over a historic moment, ostensibly hoping that it will deflect from the elections absolute repudiation of his entire presidency. But, as the saying goes, “Excuses are like butt holes, everyone has got one.” And President Bush has more than one.

Unfortunately for Bush, facts are facts and the fact is that pretty much everything he has touched in his life has caught on fire. Yet each time he has a scapegoat waiting in the wings. In the aftermath of Katrina, he defended his slow response by intimating that the Governor of Louisiana didn’t ask for help. He blamed the insurgency in Iraq on Iran to cover up the colossal blunder of disbanding the Iraqi army. The financial melt down of 2008 wasn’t because he dismantled regulations over the banking industry but because of Wall Street greed beyond his control. After every rationale for invading Iraq had been debunked, he blamed George Tenet for faulty intelligence (although he did give him the Congressional Medal of Freedom.) In fact, W’s only skill, it would appear, is spin. Matthew Yglesias said it best “"It sure seemed obvious that the Administration was clueless in Iraq and many other places, but the press has consistently given the Bushies the benefit of the doubt on basic competence, despite ample evidence to the contrary. I think the most likely reason is that the press admired the skill the Administration has displayed in manipulating the press.” Oh, how he could make the press swoon with his folksy charm.

Psychologists, no doubt, would say that this is a survival skill developed by having a domineering mother and distant and uninvolved father- well fuck him- we all got our shit to deal with. There are only two things he has ruined that make me rejoice, the Republican Party and the Texas Rangers. Hmmm, maybe we should make W “Commander in Chief for Life” of Texas and jettison the whole state from the Union. Would you miss it?

Unfortunately for W, even Turd Blossom can't spin the last eight years. So it seems that Georgie’s legacy will be that of Bart Simpson, a trouble making underachiever thrust into the limelight whose best contribution to America was “I didn’t do it, you didn’t see me, you can’t prove anything.”

Retooling the GOP: Change You Shouldn't Believe In

After the Tuesday night bloodbath, Republicans are doing some much needed soul searching. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, a Texas Republican, said “This is a time for us to look to ourselves and pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and become the party of ideas again.” If the two heirs apparent are any indication, those words are falling on deaf ears. Sarah Palin, of course, has a leg up with her positively bat-shit crazy Christian credentials and folksy charm. On the other hand some Republicans are looking to Louisianan Gov. Piyush Jindal (no, I’m not making this up), a 37 year old natural citizen born to Indian immigrants. The divergence in the party could not seem to be starker; one is a far right wing Christian Conservative, and the other a new face of a more inclusive Republican Party. Under closer examination, the only difference is that where the Alaskan is a simpleton, the Cajun is a polished conservative operative.

Born in 1971, Gov. Jindal, who goes by “Bobby” (which along with “Bubba” and “Skeeter” is one of only three sanctioned nicknames in Louisiana), hits all of the conservative high notes. He opposes all abortions and scores a perfect 100% by the National Right to Life Committee, has an “A” ranking from the NRA, opposes embryonic stem cell research, supports off shore drilling, supports the teaching of intelligent design, wants to make the PATRIOT Act permanent, and although he reduced earmarks from the state budget as Governor he allowed more than $30 million dollars in federal pork and ranked14th among congressman in earmarks when he represented Louisiana in the U.S. Congress. In addition, he authored a paper in the New Oxford Review detailing an exorcism that he personally witnessed. It seems the governor has his own bat-shit crazy credentials.

Governor Jindal, unsurprisingly, has been a rising star in the Republican Party; a star made even brighter with the “we got a loveable non-white guy, too” effect. He appears politically talented and has moved steadily upwards from secretary of the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals to executive director of the National Bipartisan Commission on the Future of Medicare to serving as the youngest-ever president of the University of Louisiana System- all appointments by high ranking Republicans including President George W. Bush. Rumors had the young governor as a finalist for the Vice Presidential nomination before Senator McCain decided on Governor Palin.

So what’s not to love for Republicans? Shouldn’t they be rejoicing over two horses of such Conservative Christian pedigree? The short answer is that neither governor represents a shift from the ideas that got the Republican Party booted from power in the first place, or for that matter any ideas for widening the GOP tent. Governors Palin and Jindal, while sexy and exotic, are conservative standard bearers on issues Americans are becoming less concerned with and more detached from. In the end Republicans, instead of looking for new ideas and a larger tent, have gone back to their bread and butter, which is not anything new at all.

Socialism in America: Four Plans for the Automotive Industry in America.

While our fearless congressional leaders debate the most recent socialist revolution in the auto industry (listen up airline comrades, you’re next), I thought I’d lay out some of my own “bail out” plans. Let’s see if you, dear reader, can find the one that is not a joke!

Plan A: Automakers are bailed out by billions of hard earned tax dollars with only two conditions. All car symbols and logos are to be replaced by the sickle and hammer, and the only available color will be red. This will be a reminder to all Americans that the douche bag driving that Escalade is really a commie pinko.

Plan B: Automakers are bailed out by billions of hard earned tax dollars with the following conditions. If you buy a car from an automaker that’s been bailed out, anyone living in your neighborhood is allowed to use the vehicle any time they wish. In addition, it will be federal law that all radio station presets be tuned to the local NPR station.

Plan C: Automakers are bailed out by billions of hard earned tax dollars with the following conditions. The money is spent to retool factories for hybrid electric vehicles that get a minimum of 80 mpg, and to provide a living wage and adequate health care for all employees.

Plan D: Automakers are bailed out by billions of hard earned tax dollars with the following condition. The CEO, CFO and the entire board of directors have to personally visit each American taxpayer and offer them a conciliatory reach around or mustache ride.

The picture above? Why that's comrade Rick Wagoner, CEO and lead douche bag of General Motors. Why is he smiling? He's about to take billions of your hard earned tax dollars!

A Man Without a Country: Joe Lieberman is Screwed.

He walks like a republican, talks like a republican, and votes on foreign policy like a republican, so why is it taking so long for him to switch parties? The Connecticut Senator, while retaining his seat by running as an independent, is registered as a Democrat-for now. Sen. Reid (D-NV) will likely strip him of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Chairs, effectively making him persona non grata. Political realignment would seem to be an easy choice given that Connecticut republicans essentially gave him his seat after state democrats had shown him the door. His hawkish views on Iraq, support for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), and speaking at the Republican National Convention may not be enough to overcome his liberal social views, creating a major snag in changing affiliations.

Connecticut is in blue New England, and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) might see an opportunity to snag a senate seat with a more conservative candidate while democrats will assuredly run a strong candidate in 2012. Senator McConnell likely sees support for the war in Iraq as Lieberman’s strongest asset, an issue that might very well be resolved in a few years. The Kentucky senator will also wonder how much help Lieberman will be in the upcoming fights for health care, the environment, taxes and Supreme Court nominees and decide that Joe would be little more than window dressing.

Don’t despair for Joe, though. His predicament is largely self-made. An elected official, of course, is expected to following his conscience. Publicly supporting a republican presidential candidate, any republican, is a different matter and should be enough for exile. Speaking at the republican convention was just fucking insane. What was he thinking? Senator Reid wouldn’t notice?

Whatever the outcome, Senator Lieberman seems poised to become marginalized, a man without a country whose hubris forced him to turn away from the party that nurtured him. So long, Joe, you won’t be missed.

Rahm Emanuel: Partisan White House or Strategic Move?

Political partisanship is the conventional wisdom of appointing Rep. Rahm Emanuel to Chief of Staff. Perhaps, but it may also show the political savvy of President-elect Obama. Sure he sent a dead fish to a democratic pollster and his elbows are as sharp as anyone in Washington, but does this sound like the type of man the President-elect would like to have to go through to enact his agenda?

Presidential agendas, even with their own party controlling congress, are not typically synchronized-witness the Clinton presidency up to 1994 and you get my drift. By appointing the Chicago congressman, the President-elect removes a potential source of resistance and gets a highly effective advocate in return. Emanuel will also bring discipline and stability to the White House, an important lesson learned by President Clinton and used to great effect by the Current Resident. In addition, he knows how to navigate congress, presumably what Senator Schumer (D-NY) meant by "He is the perfect choice. He knows the Hill, he knows substance, he knows politics, and most importantly, he can get the job done."

Republicans should also take hope. Senator Graham (R-SC) said "Rahm knows Capitol Hill and has great political skills; he can be a tough partisan but also understands the need to work together." Like an attack dog on a leash, President-elect Obama will be able to use Rep. Emanuel to enforce party unity while he crosses the aisle in the name of bi-partisanship.

Of course the mainstream media loves a controversy (and so will I if someone ever pays me to write this drivel), so the story is about how the President-elect is reneging on his promise of bi-partisanship after only two days. Speaking ironically (I assume) Republican partisan John Boehner (R-OH) called the appointment an "ironic choice for a president-elect who has promised to change Washington, make politics more civil and govern from the center." But I think that’s just hot wind escaping from the congressman’s pie hole.

I think the media does not give the President-elect enough credit in appointing Rep. Emanuel as Chief of Staff. I believe it shows great instincts and political savvy, and a large measure of self confidence. As the saying goes “keep your friends close, and a guy who sends dead, rotting fish even closer.”

Palins Power Play

"Can Palin Pesurrect the GOP? Does She Want To?" That's the headline I woke up to. If Republicans make her their choice four years from now they'll have a large "to-do" list to get her ready. Of course her crazy christian views are solid, so they can check that one off. The rest will require taking an intellectually lazy lump of clay and teaching it history, civics and English. I've compiled an abridged list of things to teach her...

Africa is a continent, not a country. Mongolia, Turkey and Burma are not in Africa. Run on sentences sound just as bad spoken as written. There is no "real" America. Dmitry Medvedev, not Vladmir Putin, is the President of Russia. Average Joe's do not shop at Neiman Marcus. The Vice President does not lead the Senate. The Bush Doctrine is not a Dan Brown novel. The difference between being a "Maverick" and being a nut job. Libson is not the capital of Spain (Madrid.) NAFTA includes Canada, the U.S. and Mexico. Mexico is not in South America. Most of the world does not practice Christianity. Bono is not the head of state of Ireland. Bono is not his real name.

In light of Tuesday nights blood bath, the GOP must chart a new course. If they settle on Palin, they will be "filling an empty vessel, so the task is relatively easy. But it will take time", according to a Kissinger aide. Many christian conservatives will say "so what, she has solid social conservative credentials", and they may be right. But didn't they try the same thing with another "empty vessel" 8 years ago? And look where that got us...

Three Planks for a Better America

John Gray said “To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.” If this seems a bit harsh to apply to the Democratic Party as a whole, consider that their congressional approval numbers are below that of President Bush – no small feat. It is my belief that the only way out of our current mess is paved by three actions that should be adopted and carried out in concert by the Democratic Party.

The three planks, to be implemented together are: a complete and total withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan immediately (once completed this will need to be changed to “reduce the size of the military and utilize it sparingly and as a last resort”), universal health care and prescription drug price reform for all Americans, and finally a change from fossil fuels to a mix of renewable and sustainable resources. Wow, seeing the planks on paper make them sound outlandish, and one might be inclined to ask how we will pay for all of this, or if they solve the 2008 financial crisis. The answer is that the three planks work together in concert, shifting where Americans and their government spend money. Roughly speaking, these planks represent the opposite of “trickle down economics”- a “geyser” economic plan, if you will.

Plank 1: A complete and total withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan immediately.
We spend, at least officially, nearly $12 billion dollars a month for the war in Iraq alone; money that is sorely needed in our economy. From an objective distance three things become clear: we won’t ultimately be successful, we don’t have the money even if we thought we could be successful, and we are less safe due to our involvement. Only one rational course of action remains: leave immediately.

Plank 2: Universal health care and prescription drug price reform for every American.
The World Health Organization reports that Americans spend more on health care than any other nation on the planet, yet we rank 37th in overall performance and 72nd in overall health. Furthermore, we are the only industrialized nation to not have universal health care and as a result have more than 40 million people uninsured. Other countries get better health care, live longer lives and have more doctors and nurses by spending less money- all because they have universal health care.

Plank 3: Move quickly from fossil fuels to a mix of renewable and sustainable resources.
The United States is poised to start a revolution in green energy, we need only embrace it. We have a wealth of universities and research institutions to provide the necessary technology. Renewable resources abound with plentiful sunshine in the south, winds in the Midwest, tides on two coasts and geothermal activity across the country. Currently we are sending truck loads of dollars to other places, and in some cases fueling terrorists who wish to harm us. Renewable sources of energy would keep those dollars at home.

In the next several posts, I hope to prove that these three planks will ultimately solve the current economic crisis and restore the strength of the American economy.