Thursday, November 20, 2008
Business Plans for Dummies: Um, can I have my money now?
I’ve got a dog eared copy of “Business Plans for Dummies” that Senator Reid (D-NV) could give to Rick Wagoner, although I have a feeling that he already knows what to do with the bail out money. Yes, economic troubles now have members of congress demanding that the Big 3 Automakers write a business plan before they get their next bailout fix. Presumably it will go somewhat like this:
Mission Statement: To get our greedy hands on $25 billion in Federal Funds in order to pad executive wallets, gild parachutes and book lavish corporate retreats. Any remaining funds will be used to hire more lawyers to destroy our mortal enemy (no, not Toyota), the UAW.
Marketing: While we use our corporate shills to tell the American people that the country will catch on fire if automakers ever fail, we’ll double the amount of car ads in each television commercial segment. Advertisements will focus on telling that fat-ass, “Joe Six Pack,” that fuel efficiency is for pussies and that a supermodel might play with his penis if he buys a truck with a “hemi.” Women will be told that only eunuchs drive foreign cars.
Competition: The strategy is to get the money early before any other “too big to fail” industries come sniffing around our bailout. We’ll have our corporate shills tell those fat asses out in T.V. land that the “invisible hand of the free market” will pick the winners and losers for every industry but ours.
Operations: Why spend money that could go to other uses (lobbying, executive pay, etc.) on retooling plants or R&D? In business we say “don’t throw good money after bad.” Wait, that sounds hypocritical…aw fuck it, no one in congress will read this, they just listen to our lobbyist.
Exit Strategy: Like locusts in a field, we’ll ride this gravy train until every dollar has been tapped. We’ll then jump ship with our golden parachutes looking for the next industry to rape and pillage. I’ve got my eyes on you, Boeing!
Summary: This plan, while remarkably similar to every other business plan we’ve put out in the last 25 years, differs in that this one is for $25 billion. Suck it, congress!