Thursday, January 15, 2009

Miami Vice: Fattest City Falls Off the South Beach Diet.

In the second most ironic news of the day (the top spot being taken by Republicans praising Senator Clinton D-NY for her experience), Miami has been rated the fattest city in the country by Men's Fitness magazine. With hot, sexy, and malnutritioned bodies portrayed on CSI Miami and Girls Gone Wild one would think this a misprint.

The culprit? According to Men's Fitness it was mainly due to long commutes, lengthy T.V. viewing, and prodigious amount of fast food restaurants (almost 3 times the national average.) So what's up Miami? Apparently the city is full of morbidly obese, Whopper snacking, American Idol watching, Escalade driving Shamu's.

What happened to the South Beach Diet? Miamians should start considering popping out fourteen kids like the Mormons do - Salt Lake City is the fittest city on the same scale. In the spirit of brotherhood let's give Miami some motivation to lose weight:

Your city is so fat
...they renamed the football team the Miami Sea Cows.
...that sea levels aren't rising, Florida is sinking.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snow Lobotomies: Why Can't Western Washington Drive in Snow?

Today I've skipped my typical rants about politics, not because it's a slow news day, but because somebody has to say something about the tragedy that is Western Washington driving in snow.

On my way home from my brothers house in Kenmore today I made the decision to use the major arterials because snow was falling and I figured that the increased traffic would keep the roads bare and wet. And mostly I was not wrong, except for two small details. First, and foremost, Western Washington drivers apparently get a frontal lobotomy when any amount of snow falls. Secondly, I figured that there would not be any stretches of snowy road.

After easily navigating most of Ballinger Way N., I hit a standstill at the I-5 interchange. We inched our way along, even though the pavement was bare. At least we were moving and if you forgive the one douche who was driving in between two lanes (pissing off drivers in both lanes behind him) things were not going horribly. Then I turned north onto Meridian as it runs along the West side of Lake Ballinger. Anyone who lives in an urban environment knows the feeling- you turn onto a reliably uncongested surface street to find it backed up as far as the eye can see because of a single accident. No way around, no way to turn around-you're completely screwed.

There they were, just standing outside their cars in the freezing cold like lemmings, blinking in a befuddled stupor and wondering what the hell this white stuff was doing to their cars. I felt a tinge of pity for them (quickly replaced by white hot rage one usually reserves for politicians and christian conservatives) because even though they see snow on their streets every fucking year, they still have no clue as to how they are going to navigate in it. Mind you, these are the same simpletons who can't negotiate a four way stop or merge onto a freeway without balling it up for the rest of us. As George Carlin once said, we should "put these low grade morons in portable toilets and set them on fire." Honestly, they can dick around with their iPod, change lanes, text their friends and sip a $4 latte while driving but they can't remember that in the winter they need to replace their bald tires and put weight in the back of their truck? Fucktards!

But I digress. The lead idiot had, thankfully, pulled his car off to the side of the road. The other dip shits were utterly helpless, like W. reading to school children when the towers were burning. Finally, after much timidness, the lead car not involved in the accident decides to chance it around the pile up and heads up the hill with no problems. Then the second, third and fourth cars. Then it comes to the dill weed in front of me. His Toyota light pick up, circa 1985, had no discernable tread and zero weight in the bed and did not instill me with any measure of confidence. Even so he made his play. One quarter of the way up the hill his tires start to slide, so he does what any monkey who has managed to escape Darwinism does-he guns the gas. Now his tires begin to spin wildly searching for any bit of traction. The rear wheel drive pulls his woeful vehicle into a rear end slide which presumably induces panic because he rashly gives it all it's got. Nearly sideways with tires spinning and engine whining he makes his ascent of the hill at about 1 mph (I'm being kind here.) The hill covers about 2 city blocks so it takes about 90 seconds. Once to the top of the hill he straightens out, pushes that turtling Christmas pooh back into his rectum and continues on at about 5 mph, even though the pavement has become bare and wet. Our procession follows him for another 15 blocks before I cut through a grocery store parking lot to rid myself of his incompetence-who knows it may be catchy.

Two blocks later another pickup decides to pull out in front of me, and then immediately slows down from my moderate 25 mph to a mind numbing 5 mph, rear end sliding because it is not weighted. Needless to say we miss the next light and I have to suffer another twenty blocks behind some shit-for-brains whose only redeeming quality is that he has mastered breathing.

And it's only December...

Friday, December 5, 2008

Thou Shall Not Steal: Christians Break Commandment.

Many people saw the humor of the Freedom From Religion Foundation's (FFRF) sign placed next to a nativity scene at the Washington State Capitol in Olympia. Presumably, one Christian was not amused and then ironically broke the lords 8th commandment - Thou Shall Not Steal - by taking it to a conservative Seattle radio show hosts office. Is there anything sacred for American Christians any more?

The AP called the sign "anti-christian" in an article picked up by Fox News, which implies that the editors in Rupertland have a poor grasp of the English language (atheists cannot be against Christianity precisely because they don't believe in Christianity.) Moreover, Dan Barker of the FFRF only wanted "equal time, not to muscle, not to coerce, but just to have a place at the table." That kind of language doesn't sound very "anti-christian" at all. But should I really be surprised at inflammatory language coming from Fox?

One thing becomes more clear each day; we are living in an upside down world where non-believers follow God's law more closely than Christians. In the end I appreciate those home schooled, backward-assed, simple minded pricks showing their true nature - that they are intellectually lazy, hate filled douche bags.

Oh, and the best line on the FFRF's sign: "Reasons Greetings."

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

"Judicial Activism": Letting Gays Adopt.

Is anybody else sick of hearing the religious right scream about "judicial activism" every time they lose a legal battle over social issues? What the fuck do they mean, anyway? I took civics about 19 years ago where I learned that a Federal judge has only one function- to rule on whether a law is constitutional or not. Sounds simple, right? It is unless you are so weak minded that you will believe Adam lived with dinosaurs and that the world is only a few thousand years old.

The latest case against "Judicial Activism" is coming from the State of Florida, bitching about a ruling by Circuit-court Judge Cindy Lederman which struck down a state law that prohibits gay couples from adopting. In a 53-page ruling she said: "It is clear that sexual orientation is not a predictor of a person's ability to parent," and "A child in need of love, safety and stability does not first consider the sexual orientation of his parent. The exclusion causes some children to be deprived of a permanent placement with a family that is best suited to their needs."

Of course Christian Conservatives have "experts" who testified that there is "a supposed dark cloud hovering over homes of homosexuals and their children." Is this what passes for science in Florida? What kind of nonsense is a "dark cloud"? I'll tell you what it is, it's called pollution.

On the other side there is considerable scientific weight, with organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics, American Medical Association and American Psychiatric Association which all support permitting same-sex couples to adopt. How can anyone compare peer reviewed organizations like these with nut jobs who believe homosexuals can, or want to, be cured? The answer is that you can't, which is why the right turns to slick sound bites and fear mongering. If you can't win 'em, spin 'em. Douches.

And where the hell is responsible reporting in this country? This isn't "judicial activism", it's a fair interpretation of a stupid law that doesn't past muster with our constitution. I don't see judges making the t.v. new circuits or sending out mailers- that would be activism. Journalists, reporters and columnists should be taking these right wing nuts to task instead of echoing their crazy, half baked sound bites.

The constitution guarantees rights for all Americans whether they be straight, gay, female, black, brown or anything else. Judges who fairly interpret the constitution should be praised as protectors of our democracy, not lumped in with real activists like Christian Conservatives, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Mormons.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Business Plans for Dummies: Um, can I have my money now?

I’ve got a dog eared copy of “Business Plans for Dummies” that Senator Reid (D-NV) could give to Rick Wagoner, although I have a feeling that he already knows what to do with the bail out money. Yes, economic troubles now have members of congress demanding that the Big 3 Automakers write a business plan before they get their next bailout fix. Presumably it will go somewhat like this:

Mission Statement: To get our greedy hands on $25 billion in Federal Funds in order to pad executive wallets, gild parachutes and book lavish corporate retreats. Any remaining funds will be used to hire more lawyers to destroy our mortal enemy (no, not Toyota), the UAW.

Marketing: While we use our corporate shills to tell the American people that the country will catch on fire if automakers ever fail, we’ll double the amount of car ads in each television commercial segment. Advertisements will focus on telling that fat-ass, “Joe Six Pack,” that fuel efficiency is for pussies and that a supermodel might play with his penis if he buys a truck with a “hemi.” Women will be told that only eunuchs drive foreign cars.

Competition: The strategy is to get the money early before any other “too big to fail” industries come sniffing around our bailout. We’ll have our corporate shills tell those fat asses out in T.V. land that the “invisible hand of the free market” will pick the winners and losers for every industry but ours.

Operations: Why spend money that could go to other uses (lobbying, executive pay, etc.) on retooling plants or R&D? In business we say “don’t throw good money after bad.” Wait, that sounds hypocritical…aw fuck it, no one in congress will read this, they just listen to our lobbyist.

Exit Strategy: Like locusts in a field, we’ll ride this gravy train until every dollar has been tapped. We’ll then jump ship with our golden parachutes looking for the next industry to rape and pillage. I’ve got my eyes on you, Boeing!

Summary: This plan, while remarkably similar to every other business plan we’ve put out in the last 25 years, differs in that this one is for $25 billion. Suck it, congress!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Polysphincter in Chief: W Ducks Responsibility Once Again

It was all smiles during the first post-election meeting between President Bush and President-elect Obama- and why not? Bush can act as if he is presiding over a historic moment, ostensibly hoping that it will deflect from the elections absolute repudiation of his entire presidency. But, as the saying goes, “Excuses are like butt holes, everyone has got one.” And President Bush has more than one.

Unfortunately for Bush, facts are facts and the fact is that pretty much everything he has touched in his life has caught on fire. Yet each time he has a scapegoat waiting in the wings. In the aftermath of Katrina, he defended his slow response by intimating that the Governor of Louisiana didn’t ask for help. He blamed the insurgency in Iraq on Iran to cover up the colossal blunder of disbanding the Iraqi army. The financial melt down of 2008 wasn’t because he dismantled regulations over the banking industry but because of Wall Street greed beyond his control. After every rationale for invading Iraq had been debunked, he blamed George Tenet for faulty intelligence (although he did give him the Congressional Medal of Freedom.) In fact, W’s only skill, it would appear, is spin. Matthew Yglesias said it best “"It sure seemed obvious that the Administration was clueless in Iraq and many other places, but the press has consistently given the Bushies the benefit of the doubt on basic competence, despite ample evidence to the contrary. I think the most likely reason is that the press admired the skill the Administration has displayed in manipulating the press.” Oh, how he could make the press swoon with his folksy charm.

Psychologists, no doubt, would say that this is a survival skill developed by having a domineering mother and distant and uninvolved father- well fuck him- we all got our shit to deal with. There are only two things he has ruined that make me rejoice, the Republican Party and the Texas Rangers. Hmmm, maybe we should make W “Commander in Chief for Life” of Texas and jettison the whole state from the Union. Would you miss it?

Unfortunately for W, even Turd Blossom can't spin the last eight years. So it seems that Georgie’s legacy will be that of Bart Simpson, a trouble making underachiever thrust into the limelight whose best contribution to America was “I didn’t do it, you didn’t see me, you can’t prove anything.”

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Retooling the GOP: Change You Shouldn't Believe In

After the Tuesday night bloodbath, Republicans are doing some much needed soul searching. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, a Texas Republican, said “This is a time for us to look to ourselves and pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and become the party of ideas again.” If the two heirs apparent are any indication, those words are falling on deaf ears. Sarah Palin, of course, has a leg up with her positively bat-shit crazy Christian credentials and folksy charm. On the other hand some Republicans are looking to Louisianan Gov. Piyush Jindal (no, I’m not making this up), a 37 year old natural citizen born to Indian immigrants. The divergence in the party could not seem to be starker; one is a far right wing Christian Conservative, and the other a new face of a more inclusive Republican Party. Under closer examination, the only difference is that where the Alaskan is a simpleton, the Cajun is a polished conservative operative.

Born in 1971, Gov. Jindal, who goes by “Bobby” (which along with “Bubba” and “Skeeter” is one of only three sanctioned nicknames in Louisiana), hits all of the conservative high notes. He opposes all abortions and scores a perfect 100% by the National Right to Life Committee, has an “A” ranking from the NRA, opposes embryonic stem cell research, supports off shore drilling, supports the teaching of intelligent design, wants to make the PATRIOT Act permanent, and although he reduced earmarks from the state budget as Governor he allowed more than $30 million dollars in federal pork and ranked14th among congressman in earmarks when he represented Louisiana in the U.S. Congress. In addition, he authored a paper in the New Oxford Review detailing an exorcism that he personally witnessed. It seems the governor has his own bat-shit crazy credentials.

Governor Jindal, unsurprisingly, has been a rising star in the Republican Party; a star made even brighter with the “we got a loveable non-white guy, too” effect. He appears politically talented and has moved steadily upwards from secretary of the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals to executive director of the National Bipartisan Commission on the Future of Medicare to serving as the youngest-ever president of the University of Louisiana System- all appointments by high ranking Republicans including President George W. Bush. Rumors had the young governor as a finalist for the Vice Presidential nomination before Senator McCain decided on Governor Palin.

So what’s not to love for Republicans? Shouldn’t they be rejoicing over two horses of such Conservative Christian pedigree? The short answer is that neither governor represents a shift from the ideas that got the Republican Party booted from power in the first place, or for that matter any ideas for widening the GOP tent. Governors Palin and Jindal, while sexy and exotic, are conservative standard bearers on issues Americans are becoming less concerned with and more detached from. In the end Republicans, instead of looking for new ideas and a larger tent, have gone back to their bread and butter, which is not anything new at all.