Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snow Lobotomies: Why Can't Western Washington Drive in Snow?


Today I've skipped my typical rants about politics, not because it's a slow news day, but because somebody has to say something about the tragedy that is Western Washington driving in snow.

On my way home from my brothers house in Kenmore today I made the decision to use the major arterials because snow was falling and I figured that the increased traffic would keep the roads bare and wet. And mostly I was not wrong, except for two small details. First, and foremost, Western Washington drivers apparently get a frontal lobotomy when any amount of snow falls. Secondly, I figured that there would not be any stretches of snowy road.

After easily navigating most of Ballinger Way N., I hit a standstill at the I-5 interchange. We inched our way along, even though the pavement was bare. At least we were moving and if you forgive the one douche who was driving in between two lanes (pissing off drivers in both lanes behind him) things were not going horribly. Then I turned north onto Meridian as it runs along the West side of Lake Ballinger. Anyone who lives in an urban environment knows the feeling- you turn onto a reliably uncongested surface street to find it backed up as far as the eye can see because of a single accident. No way around, no way to turn around-you're completely screwed.

There they were, just standing outside their cars in the freezing cold like lemmings, blinking in a befuddled stupor and wondering what the hell this white stuff was doing to their cars. I felt a tinge of pity for them (quickly replaced by white hot rage one usually reserves for politicians and christian conservatives) because even though they see snow on their streets every fucking year, they still have no clue as to how they are going to navigate in it. Mind you, these are the same simpletons who can't negotiate a four way stop or merge onto a freeway without balling it up for the rest of us. As George Carlin once said, we should "put these low grade morons in portable toilets and set them on fire." Honestly, they can dick around with their iPod, change lanes, text their friends and sip a $4 latte while driving but they can't remember that in the winter they need to replace their bald tires and put weight in the back of their truck? Fucktards!

But I digress. The lead idiot had, thankfully, pulled his car off to the side of the road. The other dip shits were utterly helpless, like W. reading to school children when the towers were burning. Finally, after much timidness, the lead car not involved in the accident decides to chance it around the pile up and heads up the hill with no problems. Then the second, third and fourth cars. Then it comes to the dill weed in front of me. His Toyota light pick up, circa 1985, had no discernable tread and zero weight in the bed and did not instill me with any measure of confidence. Even so he made his play. One quarter of the way up the hill his tires start to slide, so he does what any monkey who has managed to escape Darwinism does-he guns the gas. Now his tires begin to spin wildly searching for any bit of traction. The rear wheel drive pulls his woeful vehicle into a rear end slide which presumably induces panic because he rashly gives it all it's got. Nearly sideways with tires spinning and engine whining he makes his ascent of the hill at about 1 mph (I'm being kind here.) The hill covers about 2 city blocks so it takes about 90 seconds. Once to the top of the hill he straightens out, pushes that turtling Christmas pooh back into his rectum and continues on at about 5 mph, even though the pavement has become bare and wet. Our procession follows him for another 15 blocks before I cut through a grocery store parking lot to rid myself of his incompetence-who knows it may be catchy.

Two blocks later another pickup decides to pull out in front of me, and then immediately slows down from my moderate 25 mph to a mind numbing 5 mph, rear end sliding because it is not weighted. Needless to say we miss the next light and I have to suffer another twenty blocks behind some shit-for-brains whose only redeeming quality is that he has mastered breathing.

And it's only December...


1 comment:

tommy said...

People can't drive in snow there for the same reason they can't drive in it here; It only comes once a year, and people just don't get much of a chance to practice. On top of that, Portland isn't really set up to deal with snow, so we don't have enough plows, etc. A relatively small amount of snow that, in Michigan, would be shoveled and/or salted and out of the way in under an hour, sticks around for days out here, and gets compacted into a half inch of solid ice.